BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE...or so i had hoped for

Oh OK so...... BIG BREATH!!!!.......... i saw johnny... we talked and i told him thank you for everything... being my friend when i had no one and making every holiday for me last year the most incredible (with out my family) and how much i truly appreciate it, and that i never lied when i said i loved him and that i want nothing more for him to be happy and i wanna be his friend, i wanna be there for him through the good and the bad, and i wanna be supportive of everything he wants in life! and that i hope that he and that girl turn out for the better if its what will make him happy... i told him that i still have the roses that he got my on my birthday last yea sitting in my house right next to his pictures and i just took down his pix out of my office last week.. and that i needed to know if we were ever going to get back together, cuz he keeps me dangling and it hurts. i just cant take the pain anymore... i need to know either way...
i told him that i was going to be moving into a house in Scottsdale soon and all this stuff (which is even farther from him .. over an hour and a half) after i told him all this stuff he asked me how long of a lease am i looking to sign , i said probably a year, he looked up from the table and said .. Don't!, sign a 6 month lease, i said why? he said give me 6 months, and we can be together!!!!!!!!!!!!! i said what? what about her he said that they have been going down hill and he knows it wont last 6 more months, i told him that i wasn't going to be the reason that they stop seeing each other, i said if you guys end it, make it on your own terms, i want nothing to do with that!
he said to give him 6 months....
am i dreaming right now!? he said that he still cares about me and that he still loves me too... but he is wrapped up on this girl.... he thinks he has fallen in love with her... but she does not love him!! she is having second thoughts about her husband ( LONG STORY ) and she is having second thoughts... and its crushing him, i hate to see him hurting like this, he isn't even the same, with her he has no balls! he is on her shit 24 7... he said he is to her, like i was to him... ( but back then i didn't have friends out here mind you ) he makes excuses for her, and he knows it!! like when he isn't with her he is himself, but with her NOPE! and even him talking about her he acts so different, i don't like it!!
(jumping back in conversation) he had said you can go and be with who ever you want, yea i wanna keep you around cuz someday i do wanna get back with you, but not right now (becuz of her) i said no matter what I'm going to be right here (i pointed between us) and he was like you can be with who ever you want.. (not getting it) the i said open your damn ears eyes and mind and listen to me johnny... i can go and get a Bf right now but i will always be right here... for you! me loving you will not stop... and he just stared at me... and i think that's when we got into the whole House lease conversation...
i was so excited to hear him say, give me 6 months.. but at the same time i don't wanna get my hopes up... i don't wanna hurt myself anymore... it kinda makes me wanna find a bf! lol just to... well i don't know what... but i need a big distraction for the next few months! well i got two jobs, two dogs! church, choir, i am going to visit as much as possible... friends here, and some boy toys... OK i think i can do it! I'm scared! i pray to god that i don't get hurt anymore.. because of Nathanael i wanna think that everything johnny said to me last night was crap and that he is only saying that to keep me around... but Johnny has never lied to me, and he is Not Nathanael... Right!? i think I'm going to think of it like he was lying to me... and just move on from it like it never happened.. i think its best for me and my heart... right? GRr we need to get our tattoos already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need some pain... other than what i cause myself in my heart... yea know!?!? maybe i should just go and get something pierced or something! lol

i love you...muah... if you got this far and are still awake...... Thanks