Christmas Blues

Hm... OK well not much has been going on... just busy...
i miss home... it makes me wanna cry... i miss driving around an extra 15 minutes on my way going to the store for milk just looking at Christmas lights... i miss my mama
i miss you and your mama... i miss my daddy...
you know thanksgiving wasn't so bad... but this month is going to be really hard on me.. sissy i really miss my daddy right now... i miss him taking pictures of every single present and like five different ones for each present lol and how we would put all the sticky bows on his head until you could even see his hair or forehead anymore! lol and he would fold up the wrapping paper and say that we were going to save it for next year...and when opening the presents he would tell us to not damage the wrapping! lol hahaha tare it nicely for reuse!
this is one of the most important times for me when i was growing up and it just kills me knowing he isn't going to be here... i really miss my dad! i want this pain to go away....

(i think its getting bad because I'm about to start my period so I'm getting really mushy! lol sorry sissy)

and that picture, that's the place that johnny took me to last year and now he is taking chantelle... (the girl he is chasing that doesn't want him) it really pains me.. i miss him too! i have been good i haven't text him or anything in like two weeks... but i really want him to take me to that place, he said he would and then said he was taking her too, so then i said never mind... it just hurts to be put on a back burner.. you see i have been dating a bunch of guys, most i don't really tell anyone about because there are so many i just go out, and pretty much don't really talk to them anymore, I'm starting to get really good and becoming numb to guys.... I'm harboring my feelings.. and keeping everyone out.. I'm teaching myself to not care... and I'm getting pretty good at it.. but when it comes to johnny or Nathanael.. its hard, but I'm really trying with them... but not calling or texting, keeping our conversations to a minimal.. i want to turn things around and take control again.. i want them to come to me, not how i was with johnny and i eventually came to him all the time... its not fair... and i refuse, I'm changing alot and when i look from the outside, its really sad, i am a very loving person, but I'm just getting used and taken advantage of over and over again.. and its not fair... i have to do something drastic and that's what it is.. but i have been going to Church and choir and work... and been staying out of trouble... I've been a good girl... sorry i know that's a lot to take in, but yet again i haven't written in a while! lol i love you sissy