hmm.. Why?

Why don't i listen to MYSELF! i knew i shouldn't have stayed the whole weekend with him.. (johnny) and i did... now i honestly hate myself for it... i feel like a jerk... why would i subject myself to someone who is such a jerk in the first place!? I'm afraid of being alone... but never ever do i want to feel like i do when i leave his place... i just wanna cry... we didn't do anything other than kiss.. i told him no (and I'm very proud of myself) could you imagine how upset i would feel if i HAD done something with him? ugh... I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.. according to him i give too much in a relationship... wow... because i want my man to be happy... is that so much? well obviously it doesn't matter because I'm going to be a crazy chihuahua lady who will live out here pathetic lonely life in the forest! :( the church around the corner from my house has three sessions in the evenings M-F... I'm going to start going after work.. and then to the gym... if I'm going to be alone... i might as well fix my self esteem that i have allowed johnny to break down... i know I'm young... but it would be nice to feel wanted and loved for just one minute... the closest i get to that is by talking to Chris.. and he is half way around the world and i have never even met him... wow thats sad dontcha think? some say I'm such a great girl... i would like to see that to... as of right now... i feel like a door mat...